Miriam Lord's Week

Will nobody think of the children?THE BRIGHT young people of Ireland were forced to endure a disgraceful onslaught yesterday as marauding bands of politicians prowled the Young Scientist exhibition looking for photo opportunities.

They, in turn, were stalked by roaming packs of journalists looking for comments on Brian Cowen’s political future.

Junior minister Conor Lenihan was there. He brought his fence with him so he could have something comfortable to sit upon.

Conor said he had taken soundings in his constituency and the view was that the Taoiseach should step down as leader. However, after much huffing and puffing, he added: “I haven’t made up a personal opinion yet”. Lenihan the younger reminds one of Lord Ronald in Stephen Leacock’s short story who “flung himself from the room, flung himself upon his horse and rode madly off in all directions”.

Which brings us to the leaflet he has forced on his constituents in Dublin South West, where no letter box is safe. He is pictured holding up two placards with the messages “Itching to Help” on each of them.

There are many ways a public representative can choose to woo voters. Conor has decided to reveal all about his eczema. “Being in public life, it is not made easier for me,” confides Lenihan, who adds that he has tried everything from “cortisone-based cream to God knows what”. Of course, he was right to publicise the excellent work done by Eczema Ireland, but you just never know what you’ll hear from Conor next.

Given his big party rival, Charlie MR Tallaght O’Connor was also in the RDS for the exhibition, wags who have seen Conor’s leaflet have dubbed the pair the Itchy and Scratchy of Fianna Fáil after the Simpsons’ cartoon characters.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, their colleagues assumed a bunker mentality, keeping their heads down as they wondered what fresh bombardment on Cowen’s business/social contacts may land with the morning papers.

It’s a torrid time for them.

Takeaways yes, takeovers no

WHILE THE rest of us were distracted by talk of Fianna Fáil’s little domestic difficulty this week, Ned O’Keeffe was focused on the global picture.

It’s quite chilling.

Our thanks to reporter Brian Moore of the Avondhu newspaper in Mitchelstown for bringing us this update from Ned, who is doing the nation some service by keeping a beady eye on troop movements in the Far East. In the course of a wide-ranging interview on Cork local radio station C103, Deputy O’Keefe outlined the appalling vista facing Ireland at the moment: an invasion by the Chinese, followed by a takeover of the country.

“The blame for the problems we have is nothing to do with the banks. It is down purely and simply to politicians, the planners and the county councils,” explained Ned, before turning to matters oriental.

“We have a foreigner in place telling us we should sell our banks and I don’t want the Chinese coming in here. We had 800 years of English rule, if we let the Chinese in and give them a base here like they have in the Sudan and in other parts of Africa, then where will we be? “They would then probably take over the place with military bases and so on,” declared The Mitchelstown Eagle – he’s watching Beijing.

But why would the Chinese be interested in sending their troops over here? “It is the nature of their business, the Chinese are going to take over the world, they are a financial power and a military power as well.” To bolster his theory, Ned went on to say that it has been proposed to sell AIB and the Bank of Ireland to Chinese banks. “I am totally opposed to that and I think every Irishman who has an understanding of the freedom of his country will see what the Chinese are up to.” But as writer Moore notes, every cloud has a silver lining. Aren’t the Chinese very fond of their pork? Good news there for Ned, passionate champion of the (processed) pig.

Stay vigilant. You have been warned.

Yes to takeaways.

No to takeovers.

Cheap shots after Biffo’s golf outing

A GOLF snob of our acquaintance was amazed that nobody noticed the real story to emerge from golfgate. He says he doesn’t know whether Seánie FitzPatrick has gone up, or down, in his estimation as a result.

It seems he played his controversial round of golf with the Taoiseach on the Druid's Heath course. "It's not a patch on the far superior Druids Glen course. That's why green fees and membership is cheaper for the Heath." Indeed, we couldn't help but notice the serendipitous front page advert in Monday's Irish Times, the day after details of Seanie's golf 'n' grub escapade were made public.

It featured a lovely photo of rolling parkland with a couple of unidentified golfers striding across it in the distance and the enticing message: “Join the club you always dreamed of . . .” What club? The Bust, the bailed-out or the beaten docket club? It continues: “Follow in the footsteps of golfing legends.” Legends such as The Fitz and The Biff, one presumes.

“A unique opportunity to join one of Ireland’s most iconic golf resorts.” Quite.

“Worlds Away . . . Yet on Dublin’s doorstep.” (Convenient to Co Monaghan too. Just ask Caoimhghín Ó Caoláin, who bumped into the Taoiseach in the hotel when he was enjoying dinner with the Anglo elite after their game.) Rates are quoted.

“If you pay €2,600 to join Druids Glen you can join Druids Heath for nothing,” scoffs our golf snob. “It’s only €1,500 to join the Heath. They took the Taoiseach out on the cheap!” That charge can’t be levelled against Seánie Fitz though, as Brian Cowen says it was his friend Fintan Drury – a former Anglo director – who arranged the day out and assembled his dinner companions. The choice of course was probably due to availability of tee-off times. Millionaire Fintan isn’t short of a bob.

As we now know, because the Taoiseach told us, they didn’t talk shop. The pressing problems at Anglo Irish Bank weren’t discussed. It was “a social outing” and nosebag with the Anglo boys, along with an economic consultant who was invited to talk to them about the economy.

Brian Cowen says the economy was entering a difficult period and he had hoped his dinner companions would have some ideas to contribute, if there were “things that could be done which might be helpful . . . As you know, these people had some views on that.”

They did. Seán FitzPatrick famously said on radio in 2008 that the Government should tackle the “sacred cow” of universal welfare benefit and target such areas as child welfare payments and the old-age pension.

Are there any more revelations to come? There are unconfirmed reports that a Fr Peter McVerry, a Mr Eamon Timmins from Age Action and a nun from The Little Flower Penny Dinners spent a social afternoon trout fishing at the K Club with Taoiseach Cowen as their guest. They later attended dinner in Shanahan’s Restaurant on St Stephen’s Green, where they were joined at their usual table by an unemployed special needs assistant and a Capuchin friar, who gave the Taoiseach a rundown on the free cheese scheme.

This event may never have come to light were it not for Joe Higgins, who was attending a Socialist Workers Party champagne and candlelight supper in Shanahan’s (black tie) on the night in question and ran into Brian Cowen in the gents. We await developments.

Greens keen not to club together

THE LAST few days have been bringing on nightmarish visions of Pringle jumpers and sports casual trousers – the kind your mother might once have called “a nice pair of slacks”. Golf. We just can’t get away from it. Yesterday, a van was parked in Kildare Street outside Leinster House. “Midland Golf Tours” was written in large letters on the vehicle, which was registered in Co Laois.

A new career beckons for Biffo? Meanwhile, members of the Green Party have been keeping their distance from their Coalition partners during this trying time for them. As far as they are concerned, it’s a case of “house private” for Fianna Fáil.

This hasn’t stopped members of the media from trying to tie them into the debacle. Party leader John Gormley was buttonholed on the plinth on Thursday and asked if he ever enjoyed an occasional 18 holes.

The poor Minister blanched at the question as memories of the last time he swung a club returned.

It was way back in 1995, when John was lord mayor and on a goodwill trip to San Jose in California, which is twinned with Dublin. Representatives of the IDA were also on the trip and in negotiations to bring a big IT company to Ireland. The company boss said he was willing to meet the lord mayor of Dublin and discuss a possible move to the city. He said he would love to meet Mayor Gormley over a game of golf.

All well and good, except John wasn’t a golfer. He did his duty nonetheless. It was bucketing from the heavens on the day. “Who said ‘It never rains in California’?” sighed the Minister. He did his best, hacking his way miserably around the sodden fairways. On the sixth tee, he took out his driver, addressed the ball and hit it an almighty wallop. But the grip on the club was soaking wet and it flew out of his hands on the backswing, spiralling into the air before plummeting to the ground and narrowly missing the shaken company boss.

“That was the only game of golf I ever had as a adult,” said John, wincing at the memory.

Still, on the plus side, the company set up its European headquarters in west Dublin from where it still operates successfully.

Clune happy to face the electorate

THE ELECTION is on.

Fine Gael’s Deirdre Clune has won the poster race in Cork, her face is everywhere. She shares billboard space in Father Matthew Street with comedian Des Bishop and the Christmas panto in the Cork Opera House.

Ms Clune says she booked the sites in November when she heard the Greens announce they are leaving Government after the Finance Bill is passed. And very fetching she looks too in the photo as she exhorts the voters of Cork South Central to give her their number one. Her running mates Simon Coveney and Jerry Buttimer will be delighted. Get your skates on, Jerry – you’re up against a merchant prince and princess.

Still in the real capital, Fine Gael councillor Derry Canty, who is on the ticket in Cork North West, says he’s been mistaken while on the canvass for fellow Ballincollig man Batt O’Keefe and roundly abused by irate constituents complaining about Government policy. Silver-haired Derry and the Minister for Enterprise had better hope the voters aren’t similarly confused when presented with their snapshots on the ballot paper. Although any such mix-ups might prove most advantageous to the beleaguered Fianna Fáil candidate.

A colleague bumped into Batt yesterday and mentioned the incidents. “Isn’t is great?” chortled the unflappable Minister. “I’m getting great publicity out of it myself!”

Mansergh is otherwise engaged

CALLERS WHO rang Minister of State Martin Mansergh yesterday to get a comment on the ongoing Fianna Fáil leadership unpleasantness got a bit of a surprise when he answered his mobile phone. He didn’t sound his usual, perfectly annunciated, self.

“Howaya!” “Eh . . . is this . . .?” “No. This is NOT de Minister!” It seems Martin spent the morning working in Dublin before heading back to his Tipperary South base for the weekend. He took a taxi to the train station and left his mobile phone in it. It never stopped ringing. Eventually, the driver gave up explaining he wasn’t the Minister and turned off the infernal contraption.

If truth be told, the Minister was quite pleased to be free of his mobile phone for a while. No doubt the taxi driver will understand why. Speaking from his landline at home in Tipp, he confessed he never wanted a mobile phone in the first place but had to capitulate when he was elected to the Dáil.

“I only turn it on sporadically,” he confessed.

Ski’s the limit for students

A COMMUNICATION arrives from our lady on the piste, Matta Horne, who encountered a party of some 300 students from Trinity on their annual ski trip to the Alps. In tune with the more challenging economic times, the ski party crossed Europe this week in a fleet of buses.

However, Matta was fascinated when she overheard an exchange between a strapping young man at the bar in an Alpine nightclub and his mates at a drink-laden table. “Twelve vodka Red Bulls,” he said to the barman, before turning to reassure his worried-looking pals, cash starved after a busy four nights of après-ski.

“Don’t worry goys, it’s ok, I have my dad’s credit card!” Ms Horne is puzzled. “But I thought your Celtic Tiger was dead.” Not quite.

Duckie Martin leads from the back

WE HAD forgotten that Micheál Martin has a nickname in Cork – one he has had since his schooldays.

It returned to mind yesterday when the elusive Minister stayed resolutely silent on the Fianna Fáil leadership issue despite efforts by the media’s finest to coax a comment from him.

Save for a brief statement issued late on Thursday night, he continued his pimpernel act all day. In the statement, described by some as “coded”, the Minister for Foreign Affairs said party members should tell the Taoiseach what they really think when they meet him to discuss his stewardship of the party.

Words spoken like a man who is leading from behind. “Go on in there lads and let him have it with both barrels – I’m right behind you!” Maybe he is moving behind the scenes. Or maybe, as one observer reminded us yesterday, “he isn’t known as Duckie in Cork for nothing!”

Going Ape, Green style

LIFE CONTINUED outside Leinster House. On Thursday night, when the political world was convulsed over the will he/won’t he drama of Brian Cowen’s shaky leadership, a noisy awards ceremony was taking place not far from Government Buildings in a dimly lit premises on Pembroke Row.

The annual IMRO/ Hot PressLive Music Venue Awards drew its usual complement of rock chicks and hairy musos. The event was packed to the rafters because the feisty Fight Like Apes were giving a live performance in the unlikely setting of The Irish Music Rights Organisation's low ceilinged offices.

After the gongs were dispensed, some of the guests noticed a portly figure wandering lonely as a cloud through the darkened room. His jacket and tie set him apart from the rest of the throng.

For it was none other than Senator Dan Boyle of the Greens, escaping from the Kildare Street pressure cooker for the evening. “Are you going to sing a song?” asked our friend. “I might as well,” he replied, gloomily. “We’re gone. In about six weeks, we’re gone. Whatever happens, we’re out.” And then he headed over to the decimated table of dips and chips, sighing heavily.

He didn’t even tweet about it.

Dan, in fact, was at the award ceremony because his fellow Green Party Senator, Mark Dearey, picked up an award for his Dundalk pub, The Spirit Store, which was named “Rest of Leinster Live Music venue of the Year.”