'Mammoth' Bill left out in cold as leaders cosy up for public

DÁIL SKETCH:Sidestepping all awkward questions, the united Coalition couple posed for the media

WHEN THE increment hit the fan yesterday, Enda and Eamon responded by putting on a touching display of unity.

The Taoiseach and Tánaiste stood shoulder to shoulder on a flower-bedecked platform in the Government press centre, mere yards between them, exuding a most peculiar chemistry.

They were the Togetherness Twins, publicly dispelling rumours they are drifting apart.

It was a surprise ceremony. The invite sent to members of the media promised big news on the Personal Insolvency Bill, but this turned out to be an elaborate ruse.

They were lured to the scene under false pretences.

Once inside, journalists discovered they had been summoned to witness a happy couple renewing their political vows.

Enda and Eamon weren’t actually launching the Bill, and they could give no detail about what it might contain. Instead, they contrived to hold a launch to announce they are very strongly united in their knowledge that the actual launch is this Friday.

The only insight either could manage is that it will be a very substantial piece of legislation.

“Mammoth,” said Eamon.

“I think it’s in excess of 200 pages,” said Enda.

It was a very moving waste of time.

Hardened hacks wept as the two Coalition leaders, incoherent with joy, struggled to say anything of meaning.

But wasn’t this public reaffirmation of their union enough? That wasn’t how their audience saw it, sore at being dragged into becoming extras at a cheap Government public relations stunt.

It didn’t help matters when they revealed that Friday’s real launch will be “a triple presentation” by three Ministers. Both the Taoiseach and Tánaiste will be out of the country then, but by appearing side by side yesterday, they managed to snaffle some of the limelight from their Cabinet underlings.

Conveniently enough for two men who didn’t want to answer any questions, they had to renew their vows in a quickie ceremony because Leaders’ Questions was due to start next door in the Dáil.

The Togetherness Twins neatly sidestepped all questions about Government intentions over the Croke Park agreement, along with those about Ministers sending mixed messages about what might be in the next budget.

Once those all-important photos were taken – they looked radiant together – Eamon and Enda couldn’t escape fast enough.

However, word from Government sources indicated that, in an effort to cement their relationship, they intend to spend more time with the children. To this end, Leo Varadkar has been told to button his lip and the rest of the Ministers were warned to keep quiet in the run-up to the summer recess.

By the time Enda got back to the Dáil for Leaders’ Questions, Eamon was gone. There’s only so much togetherness a Coalition couple can take . . .

The Fianna Fáil leader tried where the journalists had earlier failed, revisiting the Croke Park agreement and wondering whether public service pay increments are going to be suspended.

Micheál Martin didn’t get very far either.

He trotted out his soundbite of the day, referring to the Government’s “burst of incoherence” in recent weeks.

The Taoiseach was ready for him, Micheál having already tried this line out on several radio programmes during the day .

“I notice that you referred to a ‘burst of incoherence’,” said Enda, sharpening his rapier wit. “That’s a word that’s pretty important to your party. I remember people saying on the television: ‘you’ll burst the party asunder’. Remember that? Still stuck in the memory!” he taunted, back in history to the infamous Gerry Collins interview in 1991, when the then Fianna Fáil minister pleaded with Albert Reynolds not to challenge Charlie Haughey’s leadership.

“The word was ‘bust’ not ‘burst’,” huffed Micheál, as the rest of us wondered if he might not have been better off seeking a burst of coherence from the Taoiseach.

Deputy Martin dismissed the earlier sham press conference “clearly organised to try and deflect from the incoherence and the mixed messages from Government but . . . seems to have only added to the mess.”

Au contraire. It demonstrated that the Taoiseach and Tánaiste are still very much an item.

Enda was delighted with the ceremony at Government Buildings, when he and his Tánaiste renewed their vows.

He explained the briefing was held to tell the media and country that the Government had approved the Personal Insolvency Billl and that this Bill is highly technical and very complex. Furthermore, three Ministers will furnish full information on Friday.