Big Phil cools down in Rio as Senators get all steamed up

SKETCH:"DÁIL SKETCH" wishes to begin this morning with an apology to all those who jettisoned their breakfasts as a result of reading yesterday's offering.

We thought you could handle our searing insight into the hardship facing Minister for the Environment Phil Hogan as he undertakes his difficult assignment at a UN conference in Rio de Janeiro, bikini capital of the world.

It’s very hot over there. A man is entitled to take a dip in the ocean if he wishes to cool down after spending hours briefing his international colleagues on the sustainability of septic tanks.

We merely pointed out that poor Phil probably won’t get a chance to unpack his swimwear, he’ll be so busy scribbling down notes. Back home, a breathless nation awaits his report on how the countries of the world plan to deal with living on a crowded planet.

Still, at least we can rest easy in the knowledge that we sent the right man over.

However, the unrelenting pressure of work means that Big Phil won’t get a chance to run out on Rio’s famous beaches in his black- and-amber Kilkenny-themed mankini.

And given that the Minister – not to mention his large team of officials – travelled economy, why wouldn’t he want to stretch his legs and take full advantage of the Brazilian breeze? The “Dáil Sketch” felt, in the interest of completeness, that the people should know about his plight.

However, we now fully accept that many readers were unable to cope with the image of Big Phil wearing a mankini. For this, we unreservedly apologise.

We also express regret to the catering team in Leinster House after the Dáil canteen suffered an alarming drop in business.

“That highly speculative report about Minister Hogan turned everyone right off their grub,” complained an anonymous staffer. “Sales of the Full Irish went right down and even the lads from the country turned their noses up at the lunchtime meat and veg.”

The distressing image we painted yesterday morning may explain why everyone appeared so subdued at the start of Dáil proceedings.

Then again, perhaps the politicians were too busy wondering about what power does to the brain. Fine Gael’s Charlie Flanagan invited Trinity professor Ian Robertson to address an all-party group on the subject at a lunchtime meeting.

A decent crowd turned up to hear the psychologist and neuroscientist’s insights. Most politicians have power on the brain – but short of swinging a Cabinet seat, they can’t get any.

We bumped into a female adviser making an early exit from the AV room. “Power increases testosterone. Huh, tell us something we don’t know.” Still. The professor’s presence clearly stimulated some of the Senators, who engaged in a mini-mutiny on the issue of Seanad reform and defeated the Government in a series of votes.

With a number of Labour Senators voting against the Government, and others finding themselves unavoidably absent, Senators won the right to hold a debate on having the future of the Upper House referred to the Constitutional Convention.

There were some spirited contributions, not least from David Norris, who put in a star turn.

As they await the chop, it seems the turkeys are turning.

They weren’t the only ones fretting yesterday though. The Constituency Commission’s report is due out this morning. Its recommendations on redrawing boundaries and reducing the overall number of Dáil seats have huge implications for politicians in the affected areas. There will be much weeping and gnashing of teeth.

At least the Minister for the Environment won’t have to endure the wails.

For while it may be hot for Big Phil in Rio, blood will be boiling in Dublin today.