Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I will never forgive your old pair for treating us to this trip’

I’m not going to lie to you, I’ve been dreading this week since Christmas. And not dreading it in the same way that you dread, I don’t know, root canal surgery, or an NCT. I mean dreading it like you dread your own death, if that’s not putting it too strongly?

We’re going to Disney World in Florida. Yeah, no, it was, like, a Christmas present from Sorcha’s old pair, who are keen to – and this is a direct quote – make some memories for their grandchildren.

I’m watching their grandchildren now. Brian is holding Leo’s head in the fridge and Johnny is repeatedly closing the door on it, going, “Mickey focking Mouse!” at the top of his voice.

The focking plane. That’s going to be some craic. The disapproving looks from the other passengers. The cabin crew telling us to control our children. The captain threatening to perform an emergency landing in Reykjavik, or Nuuk, or Chicago

Sorcha goes, "Oh my God, I totally forgot how stressful packing can be? I think I'm going to have to make a list."

‘I need constant reassurance from my girlfriend – and it’s pushing her away’

---

The best SPFs for under make-up

---

Katie McCabe: ‘Being the only girl playing on a boys team was pretty daunting’

---

What’s in a name? Only everything we hope for our kids

---

I'm there, "Goys, maybe stop slamming your brother's head in the fridge door?" and then I turn to Sorcha and I'm like, "We shouldn't have told them this far out. It's going to be like this for the next 24 hours."

And she goes, "It's better that they get the excitement out of their system before they get on the plane?"

The focking plane. That's going to be some craic. The disapproving looks from the other passengers. The cabin crew telling us to control our children. The captain threatening to perform an emergency landing in Reykjavik, or Nuuk, or Chicago. Seriously, everything I know about world geography I learned from airline pilots threatening to have me and my family removed from flights.

Sorcha goes, "I wonder should I pack a winter coat? I know it sounds random, but they do get a lot of, like, rain in Florida?"

I’m there, “I want you to know, Sorcha, that I will never forgive your old pair for treating us to this trip. Of all the shitty things they’ve done over the years –.”

“Oh, Ross,” she goes, “stop being so melodramatic. They’ll calm down.”

I’m there, “Yeah, and then what’s going to happen when they see – as Johnny so beautifully puts it – Mickey focking Mouse?”

Yeah, no, they get so excited when they see people in giant costumes that they immediately turn violent. They saw Mr Tayto once in the Powerscourt Townhouse Centre and they were on him like ants on an earthworm. I was so embarrassed that I had to just walk away.

All of a sudden, there’s a ring on the door. I go out to answer it and who does it end up being, only the gruesome twosome themselves. I invite them in.

“Hello, dorling,” her old man goes – to Sorcha, not me. “Are you all packed?”

Sorcha’s like, “No, I’ve only just storted making the list of everything I need, Dad!”

I'm there, "I was just saying, I will never forgive you two for treating us to this trip."

Sorcha’s old dear has this habit of, like, closing her eyes whenever I speak, like there’s some awful smell in the room and she’s waiting for it to clear.

He just looks me up and down, then goes, "We're not exactly enamoured of the idea of spending two weeks in your company either."

I'm like, "Focking enamoured. Never even heard the word bef-" and then I suddenly stop and go, "Did you just say –? Don't tell me –. Oh my God, are you two coming with us?"

She's there, "Of course we're coming with you. We said, didn't we, that we wanted to make some memories with our grandchildren?"

‘Donald focking Duck,’ Leo shouts as Brian goes down like a detonated chimney. I can tell you this now, he’ll never play in the All-Ireland League – doesn’t have the chin for it

Leo has managed to pull his head out of the fridge and he floors Brian with an uppercut, very similar to a punch I threw at the Bruff loosehead back in the days when I played for the famous Seapoint Rugby Club.

“Donald focking Duck,” he shouts, as Brian goes down like a detonated chimney. I can tell you this now, he’ll never play in the All-Ireland League – doesn’t have the chin for it.

I'm there, "I'm pretty sure you said you wanted to make some memories foryour grandchildren."

"No," Sorcha's old man goes, "we said with our grandchildren, you imbecile."

Honor walks into the kitchen then. She looks at her – yeah, no – grandparents like they’re toxic waste.

I'm there, "You haven't even heard the worst bit yet, Honor. They're coming to Florida with us?"

Honor’s like, “What?”

“I’ve only just found out myself – this second.”

"But I focking hate them."

“Me too, Honor. Two knobs.”

Sorcha's old dear goes, "We are still standing here, you know?"

I'm there, "Two weeks of listening your bullshit. I don't think I can face it."

Sorcha goes, "Okay, if we're all going to spend the next two weeks together, we should make a pact now that we will at least try to get along?"

I’m there, “It’d help if that one there didn’t keep closing her eyes every time I open my mouth to speak – like I’ve just opened my lunch at her mother’s funeral.”

Actually, I did open my lunch at her mother’s funeral – and let’s just say she didn’t exactly enamour it.

He goes, "Are you going to allow him to speak about your mother like that, dorling?"

I’m there, ‘I’ve got Covid!’ and I just shake my head, because good things like this never happen to me? It feels like winning the lottery – if we needed to win the lottery

Leo, by the way, has dragged Brian over to the sink and he’s stuck his head under the tap, basically waterboarding him.

Honor separates them. She’s like, “Leo, stop waterboarding your brother,” because she has a definite way with them. She’s like a dickhead whisperer.

"Are you going to let him speak to me like that?" Sorcha's old dear goes.

And that’s when my phone all of a sudden beeps. It’s, like, a text message.

“Oh my God,” Sorcha goes, “is that, like, the clinic?”

Yeah, no, we all had to get, like, PCR tests before we can enter America, the States, whatever you want to call it. Sorcha, Honor and the boys got their results back – all negative.

I hit the link with my thumb and then, a second or two later, this wave of excitement comes over me. I just burst out laughing.

“What’s so funny?” Sorcha’s old man goes.

I’m there, “I’ve got Covid!” and I just shake my head, because good things like this never happen to me? It feels like winning the lottery – if we needed to win the lottery. “I’ve got focking Covid! I’VE GOT FOCKING COVID!”