Some children try to mask or camouflage their differences to fit in

Neurodivergent children can experience higher levels of stress growing up in a world that does not appreciate their differences nor accommodate their needs. Unfortunately, many have negative emotional experiences interacting with others when they feel judged or isolated, especially during adolescence.

For example, an ADHD child who is impulsive or “acts the clown” in school may get sidelined in the classroom by peers and the teacher. An autistic child who is anxious in large groups of peers, may not get included in group friendships. A child who experiences a meltdown due to sensory overload in a shopping centre, might get rejected by peers as they don’t understand why she is getting upset.

Some children try to mask or camouflage their differences to fit in, but this usually leads to more stress. For example, a child might try to change how they talk or dress to fit in with peers, or force themselves to like a certain sport or activity to feel included. Hiding their natural interests and communication style can lead to more stress and can, ultimately, damage their sense of self.

Sometimes, well-meaning parents inadvertently stress their children by expecting them to behave in ways that are not within their control. For example, you might think your dyspraxic child is just being lazy when they won’t get dressed when they don’t yet have the physical skill to do their buttons. Or you might get into a battle over homework with your son when he doesn’t have executive function skills to get started and experiences intense frustration as result. Or you might pressurise your teenage daughter to go back to school as you think she is being a “hypochondriac”, when she is actually experiencing autistic burnout and chronic fatigue.

Twelve points to consider if your child seems to be academically or socially out of step

---

Primary school challenges requirement to enrol profoundly disabled child

---

Brianna Parkins: What’s infuriating about neurotypicals? Here’s a list

---

Nuala O’Connor on her adult autism diagnosis: ‘I’d found out it was my brain pushing me in these directions ... I was euphoric’

---

Unfortunately, many neurodivergent children internalise the negative messages they receive growing up and end up thinking that something is “wrong with them”, which can lead to poor self-esteem and mental health.

Becoming an affirming parent

By becoming a sensitive, affirming parent who accepts and understands their child, you minimise the trauma they experience and boost their wellbeing and mental health. You can help your child develop a positive self-identity by talking positively about their unique differences and strengths as well as helping them understand and be compassionate towards their challenges.

For example, you might explain to your child “your ADHD brain gives you loads of great ideas, though sometimes it makes it difficult to pick the best one”.

Or “your autistic brain, means you really focus when you are in your routine, though sometimes it can be stressful when things change unexpectedly”.

Or “being highly sensitive means you sometimes become overwhelmed, but also means you are empathetic to others when they are upset”.

Nurture their passions

Helping your child discover and nurture their passions and interests is the best way to boost their mental health and wellbeing. Passion and enjoyment are antidotes to stress, anxiety and depression. Neurodivergent children often have intense passions and special interests that are a source of joy, escape and relaxation as well as providing them with learning, and long-term meaning and purpose.

Your child may not be interested in the typical team sports that are dominant in schools and instead be much happier pursuing more niche interests such as singing, drama, martial arts, crafts, role play gaming, chess, horse riding, minding animals, coding, citizen science, gardening and many others.

Notice, nurture and join your children in the passions they love.

Help them find their tribe

Many neurodivergent children experience challenges making friends, particularly in neurotypical peer groups with high pressure to “fit in” with social rules. These challenges can peak in the 10-14 age group when the pressure to tightly conform in peer groups can be at its highest. If your child is struggling with friendships, rather than encouraging them to “fit in” with a “popular group”, a better approach is to help them find other children they connect with. Neurodivergent children are more likely to connect with children who share their passions and interests, as well as with other neurodivergent children who are more likely accept people being different.

Sometimes, they make better friendships with older or younger children or extended family and adults. Practically, this might mean supporting your daughter to arrange a one-to-one play-date with another girl outside the social group. Or it might mean helping her participate in the activities she is passionate about where she is much more likely to make friends with kindred spirits.

Even solitary activities can be used to make connections with others. Your son might love anime and drawing cartoons, and spend several hours absorbed in these activities. You can join with him in this passion and support him to connect with others online and even take him to a special anime convention.

Create a safe place for your children

Dealing with challenges such as anxiety, sensory agitation and school problems, means that your child is likely to find the outside world stressful. As a parent you can help by making the family and home a safe and relaxing place without pressure or demands. When they come home, they know they can relax and be themselves and take a break from the stress of the outside world. They can sink into their special interests and safe routines and they know you are there to support them. Creating this safe place also means building a warm relationship with your child. As discussed in Article 2, it is important to prioritise daily play and connecting times, when you can have fun and relaxing times together.

Small changes can make a big difference in reducing your child’s stress and boosting their wellbeing

Sarah’s seven-year-old son has a sensory corner in his bedroom that has a small tent with lots of different textured cushions. Her son goes there when he is overwhelmed and needs a break during the day. He sometimes lets Sarah lie down in the tent with him before bed and they have a chat.

Sam realised his son was overwhelmed in school and beginning to suffer burnout. As a result, he allowed him time off to recover. He negotiated with the school to reduce demands during the day and to create an educational plan that better met his needs.

When Sean got his 10-year-old daughter into her singing and drama group it made a huge difference to her life – she loved the performance on the stage and really got on with the other children – she loved going each week and it became a long-term passion.

Julie supported her daughter’s decision not to go the school disco even though she was under a lot of FOMO pressure. She hated the idea of having to dress up, the loud music and the busy social situation. As an alternative, they planned a board games night at home with her cousin and auntie, which she loved.

Paul did not make a big deal of it when his eight-year-old son could not tie his shoelaces. He gave him Velcro runners to take pressure off. Over the summer he took time to teach him patiently how to do it – it was a big achievement when he finally learned and a big boost to both their self-esteems.

The structure of the scouts group really worked for Alice’s daughter. She thrived mixing with children of different ages and having a specific role in her patrol. She particularly got on well with one of the young adult leaders who shared her love of hiking in the mountains.

John found that bedtime is the best time of the day to connect with his eight-year-old son. He loves physical games (being rolled up tight in the duvet is his favourite) before they read a story together, calming him before bed.

Parenting Exceptional Children

• Part 1
• Part 2
• Part 3
• John Sharry is clinical director of the Parents Plus Charity and an adjunct professor at the UCD School of Psychology. He is delivering an online course ‘Parenting neurodivergent children’ on Tuesdays 16th, 23rd and 30th April at 8pm. See solutiontalk.ie
• Article 4 in the series will be published next week on and will look at how parents can guide children while promoting their autonomy and sense of self.