What age are you? How much did that cost?: Here’s how to deal with intrusive questions

What age are you? How much did that cost? Don’t you want kids? How many points did he get? Some people feel a peculiar entitlement to information.

It could be a relative, a work colleague, a former schoolmate or a nosy neighbour who has a knack for mining data that you’d rather not share – with them at least. You may find yourself going out of your way to avoid the person.

“It’s often in the shock of the question coming that we can go into automatic response and just blurt out the answer and we can regret that we did,” personal development expert Moira Geary says. “We might not want to share that much information with someone who isn’t close to us,” Geary says.

We can’t always avoid the nosy person, but there are tactics we can use to quiet their questions or at least avoid being bounced into answering them, says Geary.

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“If you are going into a situation where there is potential for these questions – it might be on the school run, at the coffee machine at work, or it might be meeting friends – remind yourself that there is potential so that you are sort of prepared,” Geary says. This eliminates the shock factor.

“If someone asks you a personal question, rather than answer immediately, stop and take a breath and just kind of compose yourself.”

We all know one – a newsgather, a data-seeking busybody – who has a knack for ambush. You’ve got to set a boundary with them, Geary says.

“I would very clearly, assertively and politely state the topic is not really one you are happy to discuss. I’d be very direct about that, but also maintain a respectful tone,” she says.

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As an example, you could say, “I understand that you might have an interest in my personal life, but it doesn’t mean that I’m willing to answer that question. I prefer to keep certain things private,” she suggests.

You could give a reason, but you don’t have to, Geary says. “You could say, I’m sure you understand, everyone has aspects of their lives they prefer to keep to themselves.”

Won’t that sound defensive?

It might, but you are honouring your boundaries and you are doing it politely.

“You could say, ‘I can understand how you might be interested in that, but I’d prefer to keep it to myself’.

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“Someone is stepping over the line with the question, you are being respectful, but you are also setting a boundary and holding your power,” Geary says.

The alternative is leaving the interaction having shared a level of personal information that doesn’t feel comfortable for us.

What about deflecting?

Irish people can be more comfortable with deflecting an unwanted question with humour for example, rather than being direct. The choice is yours.

“You could deflect the question, but for me personally, I think deflecting is kind of running away from it,” Geary says.

“I think it’s stronger if we actually address it. You are not trying to make the other person feel uncomfortable, you are just using language patterns that will help you to maintain your boundaries. You are being respectful but also, true to yourself.”