Workplace romance: All that excitement can come at a high price

Should you date a colleague? You wouldn’t be the first to ask. Long hours in the trenches together, the shared deadlines, the in-jokes – coworkers get to know each other quite well. It’s no wonder romance blossoms. Before jumping in with both feet, however, it’s important to consider the risks.

Question your feelings

Do you have genuine feelings for this person, or is it something else? “Is the excitement to do with them being more senior or more powerful? Don’t let that thwart your view. Are you genuinely attracted, or is it the package and the title?” says Linda Breathnach, member of the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy and founder of therapyandtraining.ie.

This person may be impressive at work, but is the attraction still there in the real world?

Likewise, the initial sneaking around can add a co-conspiratorial frisson. “Part of the excitement is the secrecy, the taboo that we probably shouldn’t be doing it. Be responsible around that,” says Breathnach. “That excitement can mask a fundamental incompatibility. The excitement is there, but is there anything else?”

Have good intentions

Having good intentions at the start can mitigate hurt feelings down the line. Likewise, research shows that coworkers are generally more positive if they perceive you genuinely care about each other. Pursue a coworker when you are not serious about a relationship and your ethics and professionalism may be called into question. If things are going well, tell your manager first and then colleagues. Hiding your relationship to only reveal it much further down the line can erode trust.

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[ Are workplace romances worth the risk? ]

Set boundaries

Depending on your role in an organisation, you may have access to privileged information such as performance ratings, pay scales, or forthcoming redundancies. Of course you and your lover will talk shop, but avoid conflicts of interest or inadvertent leaks by keeping some topics off limits.

Blurred lines

Dating someone you have a reporting relationship with can be risky. If you are involved in the other person’s performance review, promotion prospects or remuneration, think twice. “Be careful that preferential treatment isn’t being given,” says Breathnach.

“The responsible thing to do would be to be upfront at work and say, this is happening, and hand over the performance appraisal to someone else,” she says. “Any sort of compensatory decisions that have to be made, just step away from that.” Both parties can be vulnerable to claims of unfair behaviour and harassment if the relationship sours.

Familiarise yourself with company policy before beginning a relationship so you both know where you stand

“If there is a power dynamic, that could make things exciting, but also risk abuse. That’s where company policy is really important in terms of people signing up to a code and a way of working and respecting the responsibilities that go with it,” says Breathnach.

Worst-case scenario

Talk about how things will be if the relationship doesn’t work out. You may still have to see each other every day. Will that be awkward? “It’s important to look at the worst-case scenario when things are good,” says Breathnach. “If things don’t work out, what are the risks and how can we limit them? How can we mind ourselves and protect each other?”

Discussing this possibility upfront can set a positive intention for how you can continue to work together if the romance dwindles. Not all endings are amicable. Romance in the workplace can come at a price. Moving department or company may be the best way to move on.