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How do you define an affair? You could say it means significant contact outside of a committed partnership. One of you has strayed beyond the bounds of what was agreed.
Technology means there are more ways than ever to do it. When the betrayed partner finds out, the aftermath isn’t easy. The relationship may or may not be recoverable.
“In some ways it’s a trauma. It’s a total devastation and a total collapse of trust,” says Mary Johnston, a specialist in counselling with Catholic marriage care service Accord.
An affair can be devastating, but it doesn’t mean a relationship has to end. “There are a lot of reasons that both parties might want to stay together,” says Johnston. Couples who present for counselling usually want to work things out in some way.
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The hope is to do it constructively so that partners can listen to one another and talk to one another without there being a wall of silence or all hell breaking loose, she says. “You are trying to contain how they are with one another so they don’t do any further damage.”
The person who had the affair will likely want to move on from it. Fast. “They will come in and be very remorseful saying, ‘I’m very sorry, I know it shouldn’t have happened. I don’t know how it happened, and if I had the time again I wouldn’t do it. I’ll never do it again – but let’s never talk about it again.’ That’s not going to happen,” says Johnston.
Their partner may need information. “What did you do with someone else, where did you do it, how many times did you do it. Where are you going now, what are you doing... They have a lot of questions. They will need to be responded to,” says Johnston. “Many want to continue talking about it, but you can’t do that forever either.”
The next step is to examine how the relationship was before the affair. “If things were a little bit difficult in a relationship that’s not a reason to have an affair,” says Johnston. “Like, ‘you weren’t in good form, you were a bit down, you were a bit caught up with work, you were a bit distant, so I had an affair’ – as though it was the fault of the person who didn’t have the affair. The person who had the affair made that decision. There were lots of other things they could have done,” she says.
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If you’ve had an affair don’t try blaming your partner. “It was always you who made the decision to get involved in an affair, and that wasn’t an appropriate decision to make.”
A person who has cheated will need to regain their partner’s trust. This might be painstaking. It might mean they need to know where you are or who is messaging you. The person who has had the affair can sometimes perceive this as punishment. “It’s important that the person who has the affair sees it as a way to rebuild trust and to reassure their partner. It won’t need to go on forever,” says Johnston.
Likewise the person cheated on will need to try to let go of their resentment and anger.
After an affair your relationship can be different. “People have to dig very deep and look at themselves and their relationship and decide if they want to move forward together,” says Johnston. “The ways you behaved before, like keeping personal or work struggles to yourself, may change. The relationship can be more open, honest and authentic,” says Johnston.
“It’s not easy, but a relationship can survive an affair. You can go on to have a relationship that you are both happy with.”