Have you a friend who passes off an insult as a joke? Here’s how to deal with microaggressions

Thinly veiled comments or gestures in conversations and interactions embedded in racism, sexism, ableism and ageism, whether intentional or not, have an impact.

They are not simply random, rare or ill-judged comments to be ignored, but rather biases embedded in everyday interactions that need to be highlighted, including those at a micro level. It could be a shrouded insult, a remark passed off as a joke, or a subtle comment, but these interactions – referred to as microaggressions – are hostile, negative, and biased. Some people may not be aware they are committing these transgressions, and subsequently may not accept their bias, meaning microaggressions can seep into any friendship or relationship dynamic.

“Microaggressions, those subtle yet impactful snubs, often find their way into conversations leaving tiny marks on the emotional backdrop of a relationship or friendship,” says Dr Gurpreet Kaur, clinical psychologist. “It’s important to understand these covert expressions of bias and insensitivity, as they can erode trust and connection over time.”

Harmful innocuous comments, gestures or attitudes are often embedded in preconceived notions or assumptions, reinforcing damaging stereotypes that Dr Kaur says can trivialise the experiences and emotions of individuals, undermining the validity of their feelings. “These assumptions can get in the way of forming a real bond and connection with the individual, seeing them only for the preconceived ideas. Over time, the impact of their cumulative effect can be profound,” she says. “Whether intentional or not, such remarks can sow seeds of doubt and frustration within the relationship, diminishing the sense of emotional safety.”

Carl Mullan: ‘It’s such a shock to the system becoming a parent’

---

On her marks: Rhasidat Adeleke graduates as hectic summer of action awaits

---

Mistakes drawing up forms can come back to haunt you

---

Laura Slattery: Broadcasting moratoriums are dangerous in a deepfake age and should be phased out

---

Mental health advocate Blezzing Dada recognises that strong friendships or partnerships are based on love and trust. However, she has found ableist and racial microaggressions are a violation of that trust. “Racism and ableism produce hostile environments that are often emotionally and physically unsafe to navigate,” she says, “and it’s important to me that my friendships or partnerships with white or non-disabled people do not contribute to the devaluing or tokenisation of my experiences as a disabled black woman.

“The care and concern people demonstrate is an expression of how they value me. If that respect and understanding isn’t there, then there’s only so much I can handle before breaking up with you.”

Responding to and challenging microaggressions requires an initial acceptance that something hurtful is occurring. Dr Kaur highlights that this recognition can challenge a person’s understanding of what is okay and not okay. “For many marginalised groups this can be quite a task,” she says. “Responding to microaggressions requires a delicate balance of assertiveness and self-care especially if the response is not one of acceptance or kindness.”

Navigating microaggression can be a challenge and so it is important to know when the time is right to talk it out and when it might be better to walk away for the time being. An individual must prioritise their mental and emotional health when addressing microaggression while recognising the relationship dynamics at play and reinforcing their personal boundaries as appropriate. Dr Kaur’s advice is to calmly and respectfully address the behaviour, assert boundaries and let others know their words or actions are hurtful and damaging.

“This can be done without aggression and in an informative information-giving way,” she says. “This enables the other person to hear without judgment, which is more likely to allow them a chance to digest the information and change their understanding about their behaviour. Coming in with aggression, however, will most likely lead to a defensive response. Expressing one’s feelings and providing education about the implications of microaggressions can foster understanding and empathy in the other person.”

Dr Kaur says preventing microaggressions begins with self-awareness, empathy and a commitment to respectful communication. “It involves being able to put one’s defences, stereotypical views and biases to one side,” she says. “This process of self-reflection can start with the acknowledgment that everyone holds unconscious biases, and growth is about committing to examine and address how they show up in our thoughts and behaviours.”

In an effort to prevent and challenge microaggressions, Dr Kaur suggests:

• Educate yourself about different cultures, identities, and experiences.
• Approach interactions with curiosity and openness.
• Be mindful of the language you and others around you use and the impact it may have on others.
• Learn about where some of these views come from to help you understand why you or others hold them.
• Practice active listening during conversations. Allow others to express themselves without interruption or judgment.
• Validate their experiences and emotions and demonstrate empathy and understanding in your responses.
• Speak up against bias if you witness a microaggression directed towards someone else.
• Apologise and learn if you inadvertently commit a microaggression.

“By taking proactive steps to prevent microaggressions on an individual level, you contribute to creating a more inclusive and respectful environment where all individuals feel valued and affirmed in their identities and experiences,” says Dr Kaur. She emphasises that responding to microaggressions is not only about addressing instances of bias and insensitivity at an individual level but also advocating for systemic change and fostering inclusive environments. “By empowering individuals to confront microaggressions with compassion and conviction, we can work towards creating more equitable and respectful communities for all,” she says.

There can be no reconciliation without accountability, and that accountability has to be a consistent commitment in wanting to do better, says Dada. “Not for yourself,” she says, “but for your friend. How we show up and support our friends and people from marginalised groups is essential to how we nurture and sustain those relationships.

“Showing up for your disabled and black friends means challenging yourself to be anti-racist and an ally to the most vulnerable in the disabled community and actively working to confront your biases and how they show up in your everyday words and actions. This means not centring yourself, but working to improve your connections, by how you choose to show up.”

Dr Kaur says the significance of microaffections cannot be overstated. Small yet meaningful gestures of kindness, support and appreciation serve as the building blocks of emotional connection and intimacy.

“Microaffections create a nurturing environment where individuals feel valued, understood and cherished by their partners or friends,” she says. “When individuals consistently receive expressions of care and consideration, it fosters a sense of safety and reliability in their interactions and a strong foundation for the relationship.

“When people feel validated in their experiences, they are more likely to express themselves openly and honestly. This can lead to emotional satisfaction and fulfilment within relationships. When individuals feel consistently supported and appreciated by their loved ones, it leads to a deep sense of contentment and happiness. This emotional satisfaction fuels the commitment and investment in the relationship, fostering long-term stability and growth.”

• Sign up for push alerts and have the best news, analysis and comment delivered directly to your phone
• Find The Irish Times on WhatsApp and stay up to date
• Our In The News podcast is now published daily – Find the latest episode here